Five Things I Hear from Women in Tech That Break My Heart a Little

During my time in the tech world I had countless 1:1s, coffee chats and spontaneous catch-ups, and there are five things I hear from women in tech that honestly break my heart a little. Not because they are unusual, but because I have said some of them myself and I know how much they can hold you back without you even realising it.

1. "I need to understand the technical stuff better before I can speak up."

   
   

I remember joining my first tech company and feeling like everyone spoke a different language. So I stayed quiet. I kept thinking, should I already know this? Instead of learning by doing, I waited until I felt ready. But here is what I noticed over time: the people speaking up were not always the most knowledgeable. They were the ones willing to share their thinking, even before they had all the answers. Waiting to feel ready can easily turn into waiting forever, and the conversations keep happening without you.

2. "If I ask for help, they will think I do not belong here."
   

So you figure everything out alone. You push yourself to prove you can handle it, even when it takes twice as long and costs you twice the energy. But here is the truth I had to learn the hard way: asking for help is not weakness. It is one of the most courageous and respected things you can do. The people who ask good questions are usually the ones others want to work with, not the ones they doubt.

3. "Everyone else seems so confident. It is just me."
   

It is not just you, I promise. I have sat in rooms with developers, PMs, designers and engineering leaders, and once people open up, you realise how common this feeling is. Almost everyone has a version of it. You are seeing everyone else from the outside and comparing it to your inside, and that is never going to be a fair comparison. Most people are just better at hiding it than you think.

4. "Even if I do not have capacity, I need to take on more to prove myself."
   

This one is especially close to my heart because I have always felt the need to prove I know what I am doing. I ended up burning out without delivering enough value anywhere. I was busy all the time but I could not point to anything I was truly proud of. Then someone wise told me that saying no is a sign of seniority because it creates focus and real value in the areas you choose to contribute. That was a hard thing to hear but it was exactly right.

5. "I just need to push through and work harder."
   

This is the one that worries me most, because I know where it leads and it is not somewhere you want to go. More effort is not always the answer. Sometimes the real shift comes from pausing and asking a different question, because if the approach is not working, doing more of it is not going to fix that. It just gets you to exhaustion faster.

If you recognised yourself in any of these, I want you to hear this: these beliefs are not the truth. They just feel like it because you have been carrying them for so long.

I am Wiktoria. I help women in tech build confidence, set boundaries, and stop overworking to prove themselves. Which one hit closest to home? And if you are ready to change it, send me a message. I am happy to talk.