Why Many Women Go Quiet in Rooms Full of Men (And What It Really Says About Confidence)

In the last couple of months I've gone to a couple of networking events for people in tech here in Berlin. And where the ones that were just for women, women were very chatty and open there, but on the mixed ones I realized that I was networking mostly with men. On the last one, out of around 20 people I had a longer chat with, there was only one woman.

To make it even more telling, when men heard that I work with women in tech as a coach, they got really excited and asked to take my contact to share it with their female friends, because "I've noticed that once my friend gets any critical feedback, she shuts down and doesn't speak up much in meetings afterwards."

And it really struck me, how women lose so much of their confidence in a room full of men, and how much they open up when they are in their own company.

I couldn't stop thinking about it after that evening, so I started reflecting on what is actually going on underneath this, beyond the obvious "confidence problem" that gets blamed for everything.

We were taught that femininity means waiting

For years women have been taught that being feminine means being passive. To wait, not chase, be approached. Not to take up space too visibly, not to be the one who walks up first. So we wait. We stand, usually in small groups or pairs, we smile, but we don't quite find the courage to actually take the space that's there for the taking. Because you don't want to be too much. It's a script that most of us were handed long before we ever walked into our first networking event, and we don't even notice that consciously. Ask most women in tech and leadership, and they'll tell you about the invisible expectation. Too quiet, and you're overlooked. Too confident, too direct, too visible, and you're suddenly "a lot," "too much," or "difficult." Men navigate a much wider range of acceptable behavior in professional spaces. Women are often working within a much narrower one, and when in doubt, many of us default to the safer, smaller option: staying quiet, standing back, letting someone else lead the conversation. This has nothing to do with talent, intelligence, or how good someone is at their job. It has everything to do with what a room does to the nervous system, and how much psychological safety changes what we are willing to say out loud. Put the same woman in a room full of other women, and often the difference is immediate. She's not managing a threat anymore, so she has room to actually be herself.

A reflection for you

If any of this sounds familiar, I'd invite you to sit with a few questions.

Think back to the last few professional or networking situations you were in. Were you the one who approached others, or the one waiting to be approached? What story were you telling yourself in that moment about why you were waiting?

Notice how you feel in rooms where you are one of very few women, compared to rooms where you're surrounded by other women. What changes in your body, your voice, the length of your sentences, how quickly you get to the point? You don't need to change anything the moment you notice these patterns. Awareness on its own is already the first real shift. But once you start seeing it, you usually can't unsee it, and that's exactly where the real work of building confidence begins.